As I told G via cell phone, whilst driving home from work:
I am in a very Nine Inch Nails mood today.
It could just be my usual depression rearing its ugly head, as it chooses to do every now and again, despite being medicated.
More likely, it could have something to do with having to attend a going away party for a dear friend on Friday. I’m thrilled for her, I truly am. However, it seems like it was only a few days ago that we were driving to the club, and she said quietly from the backseat, that she had been dumped (for the millionth time…by a person totally undeserving of someone so special…at least not until he grows up emotionally) and that she knew that this was really the end of the relationship. I saw it coming miles away, but you can’t make anyone see what he or she does not want to see, only wait for the realization, and be there for support. It just doesn’t seem that long ago that we were chatting over clove cigarettes and cocktails between must-dance music, and she said that she was moving, she only needed to decide which coast. I know it wasn’t very long ago that she was trying to talk me into sending my headshot and resume in to an equity theme restaurant/goth club, because we would have so much fun working there. So, on friday I had one (or three) too many cocktails, and said see ya. Last night, I went out for my usual carousing, which just wasn’t the same without inviting her.
The nin mood could also be attributed to the e-mail I received a few short days ago from another dear friend, who is also moving away. The first time she brought it up casually, it sounded like a lark. Then her husband flew out for an interview. However, he didn’t accept the offer, and they were staying. Finally he was made a better offer, and within a month, she too, will be gone. This one is even harder for me, as I’ve known her longer, and due to the time frame, I will maybe see her only once before she leaves, and I don’t know when the next time will be after that. Again, I am happy for them, but damn, I will miss her.
I realize that this is part of the universe’ message for me.* I know that I haven’t been living my dream recently. Not even close. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of my health problems are a part of this message as well. I also know that while this place held something for me once, my reason for being here has been fulfilled. I am merely putting whatever destiny has in store for me on hold, while I let fear keep me from going forward. I keep telling myself that eventually I can take a break from punching the clock, but not right now. All this time i was terrified of failure. I haven’t gotten in shape because what if I go through all that work, and it doesn’t work. I haven’t done any sort of art, because maybe I just don’t have any talent after all. I could go on, and on, but it all boils down to the same thing. Failure.
But, I’ve had it all backwards. I’m not afraid of failing at all. Shit, I’ve failed at many things in the past, and I certainly bounced back, and worked that much harder to make things happen. The fear that is paralyzing me now is that of succeeding. And I know that the universe has been trying to get me to figure this out for quite some time now. Unfortunately, I’m just a little slow in the head every now and then, and I was trying to block out what the message was. Now, I see why I’ve made all these choices.
Now the trick is to act on all of this. To take my next step on the journey. However, I think I’ve railed on long enough for today. Considering how completely exhausted I am right now, and that I am functioning on whatever it is that kicks in when you’ve run out of adrenaline.
*I realize that these two people would have moved on either way. However, if I would have been paying attention a little sooner, I would have heard this silly little message, and this would have been positive reinforcement for what I’d already figured out.
And darn it all, I had the perfect quote to kick off my halfhazard start to the quote/soundtrack/book/film feature that I’ve been wanting to get going since this thing started (but, I haven’t been able to get it started the way I want to, so I haven’t done it at all). However, I can’t find the freaking novel. So, that will have to wait. But, i certainly have had a soundtrack today…a compilation, if you will:
“Hurt” Nine Inch Nails; Johnny Cash (if you haven’t seen his video for this song, find it and see it, it is amazing)
“You suck” Consolidated
“Pure Morning” Placebo
“We Want Revolution” Covenant
“Cowgirl” Underworld
The next step is the hardest part of anything. Hopes, dreams, wants, drive… everything that you tell yourself you want, but are just too damn afraid to do anything about.
Complacency is a most dangerous thing…
Raven, if you ever figure out how to take that next step in the journey let me know. I’ll do the same if I do.