That’s the only way I can sum it up succinctly. To start off with I am far grouchier than usual. I’m PMSing which makes me far bitchier than usual. Yes, I can actually get bitchier. Usually I’m just a bitch. Sometimes a raving bitch. But when i’m PMSing, I turn into a roaring, rampaging bitch…so don’t mess with me.
Now, yesterday, my inner beast was behaving surprisingly well. I didn’t strangle the girl from the office who, as usual for Monday, fanned out all the cash in her wallet to show how much she made over the weekend bartending and serving. She then proceeded to bitch about how poor she is and how she needs to work two jobs. Right. Maybe you shouldn’t brag about how stinking much you make if you are so broke.
Today, I behave myself very well when she practically put her foot up on the counter to get my opinion on how cute her shoes were. They were only $40 you know. I know more about the shoes than I ever wanted to know about any pair of shoes than I ever wanted to know. Everyone in the office knows more about the shoes than they ever wanted to know. And we still don’t care.
I was saintly to the woman who has a giant hairy mole on the side of her face (not annoying per se, just gross), and always orders a skim latte, no foam. No matter if it doesn’t have foam on it, she always takes a drink, then asks for more milk because it is her calcium intake for the day. Since that is her calcium intake for the day, she needs more milk in there, because that is the way she gets her calcium intake for the day (sometimes she mentions the words calcium intake more often). I saw her coming, and thought to myself, “I might have to go kung fu on her if she mentions her stinking calcium intake.” That freaking latte was a work of foam-free art. She took her sip, and proceeded to mention her calcium intake about fifteen fecking times. One day I would just like to tell her that if that’s her only source of calcium, she’s in big trouble, because not only is there not enough milk in the drink, but the caffeine in the espresso lessens the ability of the body to absorb the calcium. Maybe I should recommend some Tums to her.
There was also the delightful lady who came in just as I was heading to lock the door for the day. She comes to the counter, and asks if we are affiliated with our other location. I say we are, as it’s a common question. She then looks at our rolodex, where we keep our punch cards, and says, “no one offered me a card last time. I don’t think I want anything after all.” And turned on her heel, complete with head snap. WTF?!?! So, she came in just to say that?
As Randall says in Clerks, “This job would be great, if it weren’t for the fucking customers.”
So, why didn’t you thrust your cute shoes into cash flashers face and let her in on how much you paid? You could do it all surupy sweet like “Oh, your shoes are adorable, I loooove them,here take a look at these cuties, I liked them so much I have the same pair in three other colors!”
I decided that I am poing to buy a few hideous things from the thrift store clearance rack, and flaunt it, and make up some shit about how it came from Bloomingdales or some nonsense, and it was only, l;ike, $40, so as you can see I had to have it…then I will fan my tips to her. Since I occasionally near double-digit territory, I am sure this will impress her.