So, exactly one week ago tomorrow, the bride will be married for one week. Which means that one week ago, I was performing my bridesmaidly duties.
I have to say, the bride was much calmer than I would have been. I owuld have been kicking ass and taking names. The first ass kicking would have gone to one of the bridemaids (who I had grown to like until this point). First of all she was wearing a way-too-short-for-church miniskirt to the rehearsal, with platform sandals. She did have a cute black blouse on, but it was unbuttoned pretty low…enough so that I could see what I thought was her bra, it turned out to be a satin trimmed tank top. Said tank top bared her belly, however, she didn’t want to show her belly in church.
Okay, maybe that would have only been a bitch slap, not an ass kicking. But there would have been an ass kicking at the hall that evening. We had planned to go to the hall to decorate, and couldn’t get in until 9:15. Fine…after all, this event was about the bride and groom. I was their bitch for the weekend. Well, apparently chimney-girl didn’t know about this, so she made other plans. To go to the bar. To get guys to buy her drinks. Apparently I don’t know much about going to the bar, because this was important. So, after a lot of whining, she left…the rest of us decorated. Hey, whatever. I didn’t think that hour made the difference, but I guess it did.
The next day, I found out at the salon that one of the groomsmen was in jail. Okay, I wouldn’t have kicked his ass…but I would have been screaming. I admire the bride’s cool and collected attitede through the situation. He did get out in time, and it all worked out…and his tux fit.
Which brings me to the real ass kickings. First the previously offending bridemaid. She lost weight since she got her dress. Enough that the dress was falling off of her. Apparently she had never heard of a magic person called a seamstress. She said her dress was too loose, and I recommended pinning it on the inside to her bra. She said that was also way too big and falling down. Okay, I can see one or the other…but both?? Really??? Fortunately, the photographer pinned her up the back. It didn’t look ideal…but was definitely better than the Matron-of-honor. She is an ample gal. She comes out of the dressing room, and I thought she was kidding. She was literally spilling out of the dress. I thought it was a haha moment, and she would tuck herself in correctly. Nope. The dress was just way too small. Why she didn’t know sooner…I do not know. Why she didn’t get the dress altered, or get a new dress, I do not know. What I do know is that the poor dress was stretched to the limit, and it looked very inappropriate. I swear I saw nipple a few times. and at the reception, she had to spend the evening tugging the dress. Not to mention the dress was folding over onto itself, trying to fit. I would have gone way bridezilla at that point. Penney’s had the same dresses….I would have made her get a new one, or done some searching and found a different dress altogether for her. BUt then again, I am a bitch. I also shrunk out of my dress. While I didn’t have time to order a bra (in my size I have to order…as mentioned previously), I found one that fit pretty well. Then, I scrambled to get my dress altered to fit properly. I thought about pinning or something, but I knew it wouldn’t look good. I did not want my friend, the bride, to look at her pictures in 20 years, and wonder, “WTF mate?” Although, I still wasn’t the cutest bridesmaid. The other bridesmaid (I call her the other normal bridesmaid) was. Sadly, ot of the 4 weddings I have been in…I was only the cutest at my sister’s wedding…and I was just shy of being 10. Sad…
Anyway, apart from the ass-kickings, the wedding was great. The bride looked lovely, her dress fit correctly…and we bonded. The ceremony was lovely…they are a great couple. The reception was fun…I got a good groomsman. He pulled my chair out for me at the table. He grooved with me to the weird music the dj played before he started the actual bridal party dance song. It was cool. The food was good….the drinks were good…and the hall had mounts on the walls. I mean, like deer and brids….not like the kama sutra. I even had G take some mildly innaproprate pictures of me with the mounts. I will post them when they come back.
The only drag, was I couldn’t find the happy couple before we left to say good-bye 🙁